Relatives, Coaches, Teachers, Doctors, and Older Kids
By Larry Betz | Prepared Not Paranoid https://www.preparednotparanoid.com/
Updated November 3, 2026
"Good touch, bad touch" is what most of us grew up with, and it leaves kids confused at the exact moment they need to be clear. The better rule is simpler: body-safety rules apply to everyone, and your child never has to sort it out alone.
When I was a Safety Director, no one was exempt from a safety rule. Not the newest apprentice, and not the mechanic with 30 years on the job. Familiarity is when people start skipping steps. The rules applied to everyone.
That's not distrust. That's how you keep good people protected and keep the wrong people from slipping through.
Our kids need the same rule at home. In Part 1, we gave them the words. Now we teach them that those words work with everyone.
Stranger Danger Misses Most of the Danger
We spend a lot of time warning kids about strangers. But as we covered in Part 1, about 90% of the time, a child who is sexually abused knows the person who did it.
So the rule has to be simple and absolute.
What to Say:
"Body-safety rules are for everyone. Moms, dads, stepparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers and sisters, babysitters, teachers, coaches, doctors, people at church, older kids, friends, strangers, and people online. Even if you know someone, and even if you love them, they're not allowed to break a body-safety rule."
You can teach this without telling your child that everyone they know is dangerous. The point isn't who the person is. It's what the person does.
Remember: People aren't automatically safe because we know them. We watch whether their behavior follows the rules.
Authority Doesn't Cancel a Boundary
Kids need to follow adults' directions about health and safety. Put your shoes on. Hold my hand in the parking lot. Let the doctor look at your ear.
But no adult should ever use their age, their family role, a uniform, a title, their religion, their position on the team, a gift, or a threat to get private contact with a child or to keep a child quiet.
I told the story of a school resource officer in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, in The Creepy Coach, Part 1. He had a badge, a uniform, and a job keeping kids safe. The badge didn't make him dangerous, and it didn't make him safe. His behavior did.
The Prepared Protector Doesn't Make Exceptions
On a job site, the moment you make an exception for the guy everyone trusts is the moment someone gets hurt. Families work the same way. A Prepared Protector doesn't carve out exceptions for the favorite uncle, the star coach, or the family friend who's "like a brother." The rule isn't an accusation. It's protection, for your child and for every good adult around them.
What Would You Do?
Practice these with your child as "what if" games. Keep it light. You're not testing them.
Your uncle keeps asking you to sit on his lap after you said you'd rather sit next to him.
Your coach asks you to meet him alone and says not to tell your mom.
An older cousin shows you a private picture and says it's just a joke.
A teacher makes you feel uncomfortable, but you're worried no one will believe you. Who else could you tell?
Why "Good Touch, Bad Touch" Doesn't Work
A lot of us grew up with "good touch, bad touch." It sounds simple. The problem is it doesn't hold up in real life.
Unsafe touch doesn't always hurt. Sometimes it feels pleasant, and that confuses a child even more.
Safe touch can feel bad. A shot at the doctor, a splinter coming out, or cleaning a scraped knee all hurt, and they're all okay.
When a child is confused, they often decide they can't tell, because they can't figure out which box it goes in. So we give them better categories, and one rule that matters more than the categories.
What to Say:
"You don't have to figure out exactly what kind of touch it was before you tell me. A touch can be unsafe even if it didn't hurt. If something feels worrying, secret, or confusing, you can always tell."
That last line is the one that matters most. The child doesn't have to sort it out. That's our job.
Mixed Reactions Are Normal
When something scary or confusing happens, kids don't always do what we hope they'll do. They might:
Freeze
Laugh nervously
Go quiet
Do what they're told
Figure out something was wrong days, weeks, or years later
They might also love the person and hate what the person did. All of that is normal, and none of it is the child's fault.
For adults: Never ask, "Why didn't you just say no?" A child may depend on that person, love them, fear them, or want to protect them. Keep the responsibility where it belongs, on the person who crossed the line.
Doctors, Bath Time, and Care That's Okay
Young kids, and kids with disabilities, need help with bathing, the bathroom, dressing, and medical care. That's normal. We don't want to teach a child that every touch near a private area is wrong, or they may fight care they need.
We also don't want care to become a loophole. So teach the difference, and when touch is needed for safety, explain it: "I'm holding your hand because we're crossing the street."
What to Say:
"Sometimes a parent or a doctor needs to look at or touch a private part to keep you clean, healthy, or safe. There should be a real reason. The grown-up should tell you what they're doing, keep you covered when they can, have Mom or Dad there, and only do what's needed. You can ask questions, and you can always tell me afterward if anything worried you."
The Safer-Care Check
For parents, here's the quick checklist for any care involving private areas:
Is there a real health, hygiene, or safety reason?
Did the adult explain it in words the child understands?
Is the child's privacy protected?
Is a parent or chaperone present when appropriate?
Is only the needed contact happening?
Can the child ask questions and talk about it afterward?
Red flag: Any adult, including a medical professional, who tells a child to keep an exam or care secret from their parents. Safe care doesn't need secrecy.
Remember: A child may feel uncomfortable during appropriate care. Discomfort alone doesn't mean abuse. But the child should always be allowed to talk about it, and be taken seriously.
Ask Yourself
Have I told my child the body-safety rules apply to family and friends too, not just strangers?
If my child felt confused about a touch, would they know they could still tell me?
Do my child's coaches, tutors, and doctors follow an open-door, parent-present approach?
5 Quick Wins You Can Start Today
Say the "everyone" rule tonight. "Body-safety rules are for everyone, even people we love."
Play one "What Would You Do?" Pick one scenario from this post and talk it through in the car.
Retire "good touch, bad touch." Replace it with: "If it's worrying, secret, or confusing, tell me."
Stay in the room. At your child's next checkup, stay for the exam and ask the provider to explain before they start.
Say the "no blame" line. "If you ever froze or didn't say no, that's okay. You can still tell me."
Remember
The rules apply to everyone, including the people we love. Your child doesn't have to figure out what kind of touch it was. They just have to tell you, and you take it from there.
Coming Up in Part 3
"If You Say Don't Tell, I Have to Tell." Surprises versus unsafe secrets, building your child's trusted-adult network, and body safety online.
Get Started Today
Get the free Child Safety bundle. It includes When Trusted Adults Cross the Line, a quick-reference checklist of the warning signs in coaches, teachers, and other trusted adults, plus the questions to ask any youth program. DM the word [KEYWORD] on Instagram or Facebook and I'll send it to you. [Get it here: LINK]
Go Deeper
The Family Safety Toolkit. This post shows you why the rules apply to everyone. The Toolkit gives you 20 complete safety checklists in one place, including a full Child Safety section to help you vet camps, programs, and the adults around your kids. That's 244 pages, for $19.99. [Get it here: LINK]
Coming soon: the Child Safety Manual. The full family guide, with 20 "What Would You Do?" practice scenarios sorted by age, scripts for setting expectations with relatives and coaches before there's ever a problem, and a care plan for kids who need help with bathing and medical care.
Tools I recommend: The child safety gear and books I actually recommend are in my Children's Safety Amazon store. https://amzn.to/4hcldVo
The full series:
My Body, My Boundaries, Part 1: "Fine" Isn't Always Fine [LINK]
My Body, My Boundaries, Part 3: "If You Say Don't Tell, I Have to Tell" [LINK]
My Body, My Boundaries, Part 4: Sleepovers, Safe Words, and When Kids Harm Kids [LINK]
Related reading:
The Creepy Coach, Part 1: "Creepy" Is Not a Look. It's a Pattern. [LINK]
The Creepy Coach, Part 2: The Red Flags That Should Stop You Cold [LINK]
Red Cell Your Family, Part 5: Red Cell Your Circle [LINK]
Child Safety Resource Center [LINK]
References
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About Child Sexual Abuse. https://www.cdc.gov/child-abuse-neglect/about/about-child-sexual-abuse.html
RAINN. Children and Sexual Violence. https://rainn.org/get-informed/issues/children-and-sexual-violence/
U.S. Center for SafeSport. Minor Athlete Abuse Prevention Policies (MAAPP). https://uscenterforsafesport.org/category/maapp-articles/
WFMZ-TV 69 News. Former Bethlehem middle school resource officer sentenced to 10-20 years on sexual assault charges. https://www.wfmz.com/news/area/lehighvalley/northampton-county/bethlehem-area/former-bethlehem-middle-school-resource-officer-sentenced-to-10-20-years-on-sexual-assault-charges/article_8e873ba2-735c-485c-89e6-ce5f7ea67d91.html
Disclaimer
This article is for general informational and educational purposes only. It is designed to help families start important conversations. It is not a substitute for professional advice, training, or services, including medical, mental health, legal, or law enforcement guidance. No safety plan, checklist, or training can guarantee 100% protection. Laws and reporting requirements vary by state, so check your state and county for the exact rules where you live. Do not use this article to investigate or repeatedly question a child. If you suspect abuse, contact a professional right away. Affiliate disclosure: I've linked to products from my Amazon store that I personally recommend. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases, at no extra cost to you. Thank you for supporting my work.
If you suspect a child is being abused, contact local law enforcement, your state's child protective services, or the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453 (call or text). If a child is in immediate danger, call 911.
Awareness gives you time. Time gives you options.
The Prepared Protector is someone who's decided that loving someone means being ready for them, not just hoping things go fine.
Prepared Not Paranoid. Protecting the Most Vulnerable Among Us.
