My Body, My Boundaries: Part 1

Child Safety
Written By Larry Betz

"Fine" Isn't Always Fine: Why Kids Need the Words Before They Need Them

By Larry Betz | Prepared Not Paranoid https://www.preparednotparanoid.com/

Imagine this. A six-year-old girl comes home from school every day, and every day her mom asks the same question.

"How was your day?"

"Fine."

There's a teacher's aide who's been extra kind to her. He sits with her during reading time. He tells her he's helping her. Over a few months, she starts wetting the bed again. She doesn't want her mom in the room when she changes. When her uncle goes to hug her, she flinches.

Her parents notice. They chalk it up to a phase. Kids go through phases.

She knew something was wrong. She didn't have the words to say it.

That's what this series is about. Not scaring kids. Giving them the words, the rules, and the trusted adults they need, before they ever need them.

Why "Don't Let Anyone Touch You" Isn't Enough

Most of us gave our kids some version of the same warning. Don't talk to strangers. Don't let anyone touch you.

The problem is that people who harm children rarely announce themselves. They don't say, "I'm going to do something wrong."

They say:

  • "I'm helping you."

  • "It's a game."

  • "This is our special secret."

  • "You're so mature for your age."

And our kids do what we taught them to do. They listen to adults. They're polite. They follow directions. That's how we raised them, and a person with bad intentions counts on it.

Most Abuse Comes From Someone the Child Knows

According to the CDC, at least 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 20 boys in the United States experience child sexual abuse, and about 90% of the time, the abuser is someone the child or family knows and trusts.

I covered this in detail in The Creepy Coach series. "Creepy" isn't a look. It's a pattern: access, secrecy, boundary testing, isolation, and control. This series is the other half of that conversation. Creepy Coach teaches you what to watch for in adults. This series teaches your child what to do.

Step 1: My Body Deserves Respect

Kids can learn early that their bodies deserve care and respect. That includes the right to say no to ordinary affection like hugs, kisses, tickling, or sitting on someone's lap.

It also goes both ways. Kids learn to ask before they touch someone else, and to stop when someone says stop.

What to Say:

"Your body is important, and it deserves respect. You can say no to a hug, a kiss, or tickling. You can wave, give a high-five, or a fist bump instead. Other people get to say no too, so we ask first and we stop when they say stop."

Adults Have to Model It

This is where most families slip, and I understand why. Grandma wants a kiss. Uncle Joe wants a hug. Nobody wants to hurt anyone's feelings.

But if we force affection at family gatherings, we're teaching our kids that an adult's feelings matter more than their own comfort. That's the exact lesson an abuser is hoping they've learned.

  • Ask first: "Would you like a hug?" instead of opening your arms and waiting.

  • Accept "no" warmly: "Okay, thanks for telling me."

  • Stop tickling or wrestling right away when your child says stop. Every time.

  • Don't guilt or tease a child for not wanting affection, and don't call them rude.

  • When touch is needed for safety, explain it: "I'm holding your hand because we're crossing the street."

Remember: Grandma isn't doing anything wrong by asking for a kiss. The lesson is that loving adults respect a child's "no," and they don't demand affection.

Step 2: Clear Names and Private Parts

Teach your child the correct names for every part of their body, in the same calm voice you'd use for "elbow" or "knee." Depending on your child, that includes penis, testicles, vulva, vagina, buttocks, chest, and anus.

I know some parents squirm at this. Here's why it matters.

A child who can say exactly what happened is easier for adults to understand, and easier to believe. "He touched my cookie" can be missed. "He touched my vagina" can't. Kids who use correct names also send a message to anyone testing boundaries: this child talks to her parents.

What to Say:

"Every part of your body has a name. Your private parts are the parts covered by your swimsuit, and your mouth too. Private doesn't mean bad or embarrassing. It just means we have special rules about who can see or touch those parts, and why."

The Privacy Rule

Teach these five rules, and come back to them often:

  1. No one should look at or touch your private parts unless there's a real health, hygiene, or safety reason.

  2. No one should ask you to look at or touch their private parts.

  3. No one should show you private parts, or sexual pictures or videos.

  4. No one should ask you to undress, pose, or take a private picture or video.

  5. You can always tell a trusted adult about anything that has to do with private parts, even if you're not sure what it meant.

If your child uses a nickname, that's fine. Acknowledge it, and add the correct word without making a big deal of it.

Better Questions Than "How Was Your Day?"

"How was your day?" gets "fine" almost every time. Try questions that open a door instead:

  • "What was the best part of today? What was the hardest part?"

  • "Who did you sit with at lunch?"

  • "Did anyone make you feel uncomfortable or confused today?"

  • "Did anyone ask you to keep a secret?"

The good answers usually don't come at the dinner table. They come in the car, at bedtime, or over a snack. I go deeper on this in Summer Camp Safety, Part 4.

Signs That Aren't Always "Just a Phase"

Kids change for a lot of reasons, and most of them are normal. One sign on its own isn't proof of anything. But a pattern deserves calm attention.

  • Bedwetting after being dry for a long time

  • Not wanting to undress in front of a parent when they never minded before

  • Flinching, pulling away, or new fear around a certain person or place

  • Sexual words or behavior beyond their age

  • Nightmares, new clinginess, or sudden anger

  • Gifts, money, or a new phone app you can't explain

  • Not wanting to go to a certain activity, house, or person they used to like

If you notice a pattern, don't interrogate. Stay close, stay calm, and keep the door open. In Part 4, I'll walk through exactly what to say and do if your child tells you something.

Ask Yourself

  • Does my child know the correct names for every part of their body?

  • Do I make my child hug or kiss relatives, even when they don't want to?

  • If something happened to my child, would they have the words to tell me?

Remember: Kids can't report what they can't name. Give them the words before they need them.

Get Started Today

My free Child Safety Bundle includes Recognizing Unsafe Adult Behavior, a quick-reference guide to the grooming warning signs, the questions to ask any youth program, and what to do if something feels wrong. It also includes the Summer Camp Safety Checklist, Family Tech Rules, and more.

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Go Deeper

The Family Safety Toolkit puts 20 safety checklists in one place, including a full Child Safety section for camp, trusted adults, water safety, online safety, and Halloween. [Get the Toolkit here: LINK]

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Tools I recommend: Visit my Children's Safety store on Amazon for the products I recommend for keeping kids safe at home, online, and on the go. [AMAZON CHILDREN'S SAFETY STORE LINK]

Related reading:

Coming Up in Part 2

The Rules Apply to Everyone. Relatives, coaches, teachers, doctors, and older kids. Why "good touch, bad touch" fails, and what to teach instead.

References

Disclaimer

This article is for general informational and educational purposes only. It is designed to help families start important conversations. It is not a substitute for professional advice, training, or services, including medical, mental health, legal, or law enforcement guidance. Laws and reporting requirements vary by state. Do not use this article to investigate or repeatedly question a child. If you suspect abuse, contact a professional right away.

If you suspect a child is being abused, contact local law enforcement, your state's child protective services, or the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453 (call or text). If a child is in immediate danger, call 911.


Awareness gives you time. Time gives you options.

The prepared protector is someone who's decided that loving someone means being ready for them, not just hoping things go fine.

Prepared Not Paranoid. Protecting the Most Vulnerable Among Us.

Larry Betz https://www.sedonastrengthandmobility.com
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Part 4: Who's Talking to Your Kids?

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My Body, My Boundaries: Part 2