The Creepy Coach: Part 1
"Creepy" Is Not a Look. It's a Pattern.
When my son was playing soccer, I helped out as an assistant coach. Before any of us worked with those kids, the league had us go through training. It wasn't about drills or formations. It was about how adults should behave around children: what to do, what to say, and what never to do.
That training stuck with me. It's one of the first things I tell parents today:
Before you sign your child up for any team, class, camp, or program, ask what training the coaches and volunteers receive, and whether they have a written child-protection policy. Then ask to see it.
Good organizations train their people because they understand something most of us would rather not think about. The adults who harm children rarely look like a threat.
According to the CDC, at least 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 20 boys in the United States experience child sexual abuse. And about 90% of the time, the abuser is someone the child or family knows and trusts.
That's why this series is about trusted adults, not strangers.
"Creepy" Is Not a Look
When we picture someone dangerous, we tend to picture a stranger who looks or acts off. That picture is often based on an assumption, and that assumption can lead parents to lower their guard. It gives them a false sense of security around the familiar, everyday people in their child's life.
Adults who harm children often come across as friendly, generous, successful, and respected. They can be deeply committed to helping kids. They may be coaches, teachers, clergy, counselors, tutors, family friends, relatives, volunteers, or community leaders.
Remember- A title, a uniform, a religious role, a winning record, or a great reputation does not place anyone above reasonable boundaries.
A Real-World Example
In Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, police officer Costas Alestas served as the school resource officer at a local middle school. He wore a badge and a uniform, and his job was to keep students safe. Instead, he used that trust and daily access to carry on an inappropriate relationship with an 11-year-old student, and he secretly recorded video up her skirt.
When the allegations were reported in May 2024, he was removed the same day, and the evidence was on his phone. In December 2025, he was sentenced to 10 to 20 years in state prison, followed by lifetime registration as a sex offender.
Most school resource officers are good people who show up every day to protect kids. That's exactly the point. The badge didn't make him dangerous, and it didn't make him safe. His behavior did. And because someone spoke up, he was stopped.
"Creepy" is not a look. It's a pattern: access, secrecy, boundary testing, isolation, and control.
RAINN, the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization, notes that many children are harmed by someone they know and trust, and that abuse usually involves manipulation and silence rather than obvious force.
I want to be clear. This doesn't mean you should distrust every adult who works with kids. Most of them are good people doing it for the right reasons. It means trust should be backed up by transparency, clear boundaries, and accountability.
One odd interaction doesn't prove anything. But a pattern of secrecy, isolation, favoritism, and boundary testing is something you never ignore.
You do not need proof of abuse to protect your child. You can restrict access, ask questions, document concerns, and report suspicious behavior without it.
How Grooming Develops
Grooming is a gradual process. Someone builds trust with a child, often with the family and the whole organization, to gain access, create secrecy, and increase control.
It usually doesn't start with anything inappropriate. It starts with attention that looks positive.
Who do they pick?
In one well-known study of convicted offenders, nearly half said they looked for children who lacked confidence or had low self-esteem. They target kids who feel lonely, overlooked, or hungry for attention, and families with a gap they can fill. The strongest protection isn't a big, tough presence in the house. It's an involved parent who shows up, asks questions, and makes sure their child knows they can tell them anything.
An adult might:
Take an unusual interest in one particular child.
Make the child feel especially talented, mature, or misunderstood.
Become unusually helpful to the parents.
Offer rides, private lessons, gifts, trips, or special opportunities.
Find reasons to talk with the child privately.
Slowly introduce secrets, sexual comments, or unnecessary touch.
Convince the child that speaking up would hurt someone, ruin an opportunity, or get them in trouble.
Parents often miss these signs:
The adult is often grooming you, too. They build a reputation for generosity. They volunteer for every job. They make themselves indispensable, the person nobody would ever suspect.
The harsh reality: an adult may earn your family's trust specifically because that trust gives them access to your child.
Warning Signs Parents Should Take Seriously
Over this series we'll walk through eight warning signs. Here are the first four.
1. Creating Unnecessary One-on-One Time
Pay attention when an adult keeps looking for chances to be alone with your child, especially when the activity could easily happen out in the open.
Closed-door meetings or private training sessions.
Frequent offers to drive your child alone.
Private trips, sleepovers, or "unofficial" outings.
Staying behind alone with your child after practice or lessons.
Going into locker rooms, bathrooms, or changing areas without a real reason.
Discouraging parents from watching or showing up early.
Strong youth programs follow a simple rule: one-on-one interactions should be observable and interruptible. Someone else should be able to see, hear, or walk in at any time. The U.S. Center for SafeSport builds its youth sports policies around that idea, along with rules for travel, lodging, and electronic communication.
There are legitimate reasons for private instruction, counseling, or medical care. Even then, it should follow written policy, happen with your knowledge, and stay as open as possible.
Ask Yourself:
Why does this need to happen one-on-one?
Could it just as easily happen where other people can see?
What to Say:
"Thanks for offering, but our family rule is no one-on-one rides. I'll pick him up."
"I'd like to sit in on the session if that's okay."
"Can we keep the door open?"
A safe adult will say, "Of course." Watch how they respond.
2. Private or Excessive Digital Communication
Phones have changed the game. An adult no longer needs to get your child alone in a room. They can get your child alone in a text thread.
Pay attention when an adult:
Messages your child privately instead of using team or group channels.
Uses disappearing-message apps.
Texts late at night.
Asks your child to delete messages.
Sends personal photos or asks for pictures.
Moves the conversation off the organization's official platform.
Talks about relationships, sexuality, or family problems with no real reason to.
Tells your child not to show you the messages.
SafeSport's communication rules say messages between adults and minor athletes must be open and transparent, with a parent, another adult family member, or another coach included.
You should always be able to see who is talking to your child, why, and whether it stays professional.
What to Say:
"Please include me on any messages to my daughter. That's just how we do it."
To your child: "If any adult messages you privately, show me. You won't be in trouble."
3. Favoritism, Gifts, and Special Privileges
A gift doesn't automatically mean bad intentions. The concern is a pattern where gifts or privileges create obligation, dependence, secrecy, or exclusive access.
Gifts you weren't told about.
Money, clothes, electronics, or tickets given to one child.
Extra playing time, grades, or opportunities tied to personal loyalty.
Invitations that leave out other kids or adults.
Lines like "You're my favorite" or "You're more mature than the others."
Making your child feel they owe the adult something.
Healthy mentors celebrate kids without making them feel owned, obligated, or dependent.
Ask Yourself:
Would this adult be comfortable if every parent on the team knew about this gift?
Is my child being singled out, or treated like everyone else?
4. Testing Physical Boundaries
Boundary testing often starts with something easy to brush off as playful, affectionate, or accidental. That's the point. Each small step makes the next one feel normal.
Lingering hugs.
Tickling or wrestling the child doesn't want.
Lap sitting.
Massages or "muscle checks."
Touch presented as instruction when it isn't needed.
Continuing to touch after the child pulls away or says no.
Games that involve removing clothes or physical contact.
Photographing children while they're changing or in revealing clothing.
In my years teaching martial arts and running gyms, physical instruction was part of the job. Done right, it's explained first, kept brief, done in the open, and the instructor asks before touching. Showing or explaining comes first. Touch comes last, and only when it's actually needed.
A child does not owe any adult physical affection. "They're just being friendly" is not an acceptable answer when your child is clearly uncomfortable.
What to Say:
To the adult: "She's not a hugger. A high-five works great."
To your child: "You never have to hug, sit on a lap, or be touched by anyone, even someone we know. You can always say no."
Trust Your Gut
If something about an adult's behavior with your child doesn't sit right, don't talk yourself out of it. Your instincts are not proof, but they are information. Awareness gives you time. Time gives you options.
Coming Up in Part 2
In Part 2, we'll cover the red flags that should stop you cold: sexualized comments, secrets and guilt, adults who use their authority as leverage, and adults who get angry when you ask questions. We'll also go over the changes in your child that deserve your attention, and how to start that conversation without scaring them off.
Sources
About Child Sexual Abuse, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Minor Athlete Abuse Prevention Policies (MAAPP) Articles, U.S. Center for SafeSport
How to Safely Communicate with Minor Athletes, U.S. Center for SafeSport
Disclaimer
This article is for general informational and educational purposes only. It is designed to help families recognize warning signs and start important conversations. It is not a substitute for professional advice, training, or services, including legal, medical, mental health, or law enforcement guidance. Laws and reporting requirements vary by state and change over time. Prepared Not Paranoid and Larry Betz are not responsible for the content of third-party websites or resources linked here and make no guarantee of their accuracy or completeness. Information from sex offender registries or background-check sources should never be used to harass, threaten, or intimidate anyone.
If you suspect a child is being abused, contact local law enforcement, your state's child protective services, or the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453 right away. If a child is in immediate danger, call 911.
Prepared Not Paranoid. Protecting the Most Vulnerable Among Us.
