The Creepy Coach: Part 3
What to Teach, What to Ask, and What to Do
In Part 1 and Part 2, we covered the pattern behind grooming and the eight warning signs every parent should know. We also talked about the changes in your child that deserve your attention.
Now let's turn awareness into action. Because recognizing the warning signs is only half the job. The other half is having a plan before you need one.
What Safe Adults and Organizations Look Like
When I assisted coaching my son's soccer team, the training we received set the standard for how every adult on that field behaved. That's what good organizations do. They don't rely on good intentions. They build systems.
Healthy coaches, teachers, clergy, mentors, and volunteers:
Follow child-safety policies, even when the rules are inconvenient.
Keep their interactions with kids visible and interruptible.
Welcome parents.
Communicate through approved channels, with parents included.
Avoid one-on-one rides and overnight stays.
Respect a child's right to say no to touch that isn't necessary.
Explain any necessary physical contact before it happens.
Keep praise professional and age-appropriate.
Avoid secrets, favorites, sexual humor, and loyalty tests.
Correct kids without humiliating or intimidating them.
Handle questions from parents without getting defensive.
Report concerning behavior instead of protecting a colleague.
Questions to Ask Before You Enroll
You have every right to ask these. A good program will have answers ready.
What training do your coaches and volunteers receive?
Do you have a written child-protection policy? Can I see it?
How do you handle one-on-one time with kids?
Can parents watch practices, lessons, or activities?
What are your rules for texting and social media?
What are the rules for rides, locker rooms, travel, and overnight trips?
How does a child or parent report a concern?
Are complaints documented, and what happens after one is made?
Are reports reviewed by someone independent of the person being reported?
Is retaliation against kids or families who report prohibited?
If you get vague answers, or a "we've never had a problem," that's information too.
A background check is helpful, but it is not a safety system. Real protection comes from clear rules, supervision, training, a way to report, and accountability.
Teach Your Child Exactly What to Say
"Tell someone" isn't enough. Under pressure, kids freeze, just like adults do. They need simple words they've practiced ahead of time.
Teach your child these lines and practice them out loud together:
"I don't want to be alone with you."
"Please don't touch me."
"I'm going to ask my parent first."
"I don't keep secrets from my family."
"That makes me uncomfortable."
"I need to leave."
"I'm calling my mom." / "I'm calling my dad."
"I already said no."
Remember, "No" is a complete sentence. Your child doesn't owe an adult an explanation.
Then make sure your child hears these from you:
"You can say no to an adult when something feels wrong, even if it's someone we know, like, love, or respect."
"You will never be in trouble for telling us the truth."
"If someone threatens you, gives you a gift, or tells you to keep a secret, tell us anyway."
"If the first adult you tell doesn't listen, keep telling until someone helps."
"You never have to protect a grown-up from the consequences of what that grown-up did."
And one more thing they need to know: if they froze, went along with it, felt confused, or didn't tell right away, it is not their fault. Ever.
Use SCAN to Protect Your Child
In Navigating the Red Zone and Beyond, I teach a simple method called SCAN. I wrote it for college students, but it works just as well for parents watching over younger kids.
S - See your environment. Notice who's trying to get access to your child, how those interactions happen, and whether the organization is following its own rules.
C - Create space. When something feels off, put distance between your child and that adult. Stop private contact, show up to practices, block private messages, switch instructors, or pull your child from the program.
A - Act deliberately. Ask direct questions. Write down what you've seen. Save messages. Contact the right authorities and get professional guidance. Calm, steady action protects your child better than a confrontation.
N - Never doubt your gut feelings. Your instincts aren't proof. But they are a reason to slow down, watch more closely, and protect your child while you figure out what's going on.
If Your Child Tells You Something Happened
This is the moment that matters most. How you respond can decide whether your child keeps talking and accepts help.
Stay as calm as you can. Take a breath. Then say:
"I believe you."
"You did the right thing by telling me."
"This is not your fault."
"You are not in trouble."
"I'm going to help keep you safe."
Then:
Listen without showing disbelief, panic, or anger at your child.
Let them use their own words.
Ask only what you need to know to keep them safe right now.
Don't push for every detail or ask the same questions over and over. Trained interviewers will handle that.
Don't promise to keep it a secret. Explain that you may need help from people whose job is to protect kids.
Write down your child's exact words as soon as you can.
Save messages, photos, usernames, dates, and anything else that could be evidence.
Cut off contact with that person when it's safe to do so.
Report it to child protective services or law enforcement.
Don't count on the school, church, team, or organization to investigate itself.
Get your child trauma-informed medical or mental health support.
Don't play detective, and don't confront the person yourself. It can put your child at risk, damage evidence, and get in the way of an official investigation.
If your child is in immediate danger, call 911.
For guidance on reporting, or just to talk it through with a trained counselor, contact the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453 (call or text, 24/7). The Child Welfare Information Gateway also explains how to report in your state. Reporting rules vary by location.
The priority is the child. Not the adult's reputation, the team's season, the school's image, the congregation's comfort, or the family's wish to avoid conflict.
A Final Word to Parents
Don't teach your kids that every adult is dangerous. Teach them that every adult must respect their boundaries.
Don't teach your kids that being polite matters more than being safe. Teach them they can step away, say no, call home, and ask for help.
And don't wait for your child to find the perfect words, or for physical evidence, or for absolute certainty, before you take their discomfort seriously.
A good reputation is not proof of safety. Trust has to be earned through transparency and accountability.
One calm conversation can help your child recognize a line being crossed. One parent who listens can stop abuse from continuing. And one organization willing to put kids ahead of its own image can protect an entire community.
Preparedness is not about teaching children to fear the world. It's about giving your family the words, the confidence, and the plan to act when something is wrong.
Current Resources
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453, call or text, 24/7, childhelphotline.org
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (656-HOPE), 24/7, rainn.org
National Center for Missing & Exploited Children: 1-800-843-5678, missingkids.org
Darkness to Light: prevention training and guidance for recognizing and responding to child sexual abuse, d2l.org
Child Welfare Information Gateway: state-by-state reporting requirements and contacts, childwelfare.gov
If a child is in immediate danger, call 911. These hotlines help with reporting and next steps. They don't replace emergency services.
Coming Up in Part 4
In Part 4, we'll cover the free tools every parent should know: how to see which registered sex offenders live near your home and your child's activities, what those registries can't tell you, and how to background-check the organizations and adults in your child's life.
Sources
How to Report Child Abuse and Neglect, Child Welfare Information Gateway
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453 (call or text, 24/7)
Minor Athlete Abuse Prevention Policies (MAAPP) Articles, U.S. Center for SafeSport
Navigating the Red Zone and Beyond, Lawrence Betz
Disclaimer
This article is for general informational and educational purposes only. It is designed to help families recognize warning signs and start important conversations. It is not a substitute for professional advice, training, or services, including legal, medical, mental health, or law enforcement guidance. Laws and reporting requirements vary by state and change over time. Prepared Not Paranoid and Larry Betz are not responsible for the content of third-party websites or resources linked here and make no guarantee of their accuracy or completeness. Information from sex offender registries or background-check sources should never be used to harass, threaten, or intimidate anyone.
If you suspect a child is being abused, contact local law enforcement, your state's child protective services, or the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453 right away. If a child is in immediate danger, call 911.
Prepared Not Paranoid. Protecting the Most Vulnerable Among Us.
