The Creepy Coach: Part 2
The Red Flags That Should Stop You Cold
In Part 1, we talked about why "creepy" is not a look. It's a pattern: access, secrecy, boundary testing, isolation, and control. We covered how grooming develops, and the first four warning signs: unnecessary one-on-one time, private digital messages, favoritism and gifts, and testing physical boundaries.
Those first four can start out looking harmless.
The next four are different.
When you see these, slow down and take action.
5. Sexualized Comments or Behavior
Take immediate notice when an adult:
Comments on a child's body, development, or attractiveness.
Makes sexual jokes around children.
Talks about their own sexual experiences with a child.
Asks intrusive questions about the child's body or relationships.
Shows pornography or sexually explicit material.
Asks for private or revealing photos.
Treats sexual humiliation as teasing, discipline, or "team bonding."
Encourages kids to rate each other's bodies or looks.
There is no gray area here.
An adult who sexualizes a child has already crossed a serious boundary, even if no physical contact has happened.
What to Do: Don't wait for it to happen twice. Remove your child from contact with that adult, write down exactly what was said and when, and report it to the organization's leadership and, where appropriate, the authorities.
6. Secrets, Loyalty Tests, and Guilt
Safe adults don't ask children to hide things from their parents. Period.
Listen for lines like these:
"Don't tell your parents."
"This stays between us."
"Nobody else would understand."
"Your parents will make you stop coming."
"You'll ruin everything if you tell."
"After everything I've done for you, you owe me."
"You're mature enough to handle this."
"We'll both get in trouble."
"This is our special relationship."
Every one of those lines does the same job. It puts the child in charge of protecting the adult.
Teach your kids the difference between a surprise and a secret. A surprise is fun and gets revealed soon, like a birthday present. A secret makes you feel worried, trapped, ashamed, or responsible for keeping an adult out of trouble.
Watch for one more move that often comes with the secrets: driving a wedge between your child and your family.
The adult starts presenting themselves as the only one who really "gets" your child.
"Your parents are too strict."
"Your mom just doesn't understand you like I do."
"You can always come to me. You can't talk to them about this stuff."
The goal is simple. If your child believes you won't understand, your child stops telling you things. And the adult becomes the person your child turns to instead.
Ask Yourself:
Has my child started repeating opinions about our family that sound like they came from someone else?
Is one adult becoming my child's go-to person, ahead of us?
What to Teach Your Child:
"In our family, we do surprises, not secrets."
"If an adult asks you to keep a secret from us, that's exactly what you need to tell us."
7. Using Authority as Leverage
Some adults use their position to get compliance. A coach threatens playing time. A teacher hints that grades or a recommendation are at risk. A clergy member misuses spiritual authority. A boss threatens a job or opportunity. A relative warns that speaking up will tear the family apart.
The message is always the same: your silence keeps your spot.
No adult's position, reputation, title, or authority gives that person ownership of a child's body, silence, loyalty, or affection.
When an adult threatens consequences because a child sets a reasonable boundary, they're showing you exactly who they are. Believe them.
Ask Yourself:
Has my child's playing time, grade, or role changed after they pushed back on something?
Is my child afraid of losing something if they speak up?
8. Getting Angry When Questioned
This one tells you a lot. A safe adult understands why parents ask questions. They expect it. Many of them have been through the same kind of training I went through as a volunteer soccer coach.
Be cautious when someone:
Gets defensive about reasonable boundaries.
Resents parents watching.
Insists the normal rules shouldn't apply to them.
Ridicules a child for being uncomfortable.
Punishes a child for speaking up.
Pressures your family to make an exception "just this once."
Tries to discredit the child or parent who raised a concern.
Leans on their reputation to shut down questions.
What to Say:
"I'm not accusing anyone. I just want to understand the policy."
"We follow the rules for everyone. That includes us."
If they persist: "I've made my decision. My child won't be in one-on-one situations. If that's a problem, I'll take it up with the program director."
A person who truly puts children's safety first will never demand blind trust.
A Real-World Example: Larry Nassar
If you want to see warning signs #7 and #8 play out on the biggest stage imaginable, look at Larry Nassar.
Nassar was the team doctor for USA Gymnastics and a physician at Michigan State University. He was credentialed, respected, and trusted by athletes, parents, and coaches at the highest levels of the sport. For roughly two decades, he sexually abused girls and young women and called it "medical treatment." Michigan State alone reached a $500 million settlement with more than 300 women and girls he assaulted.
He didn't hide in the shadows. He hid behind his title. Some survivors have described being abused during appointments with a parent sitting in the same room.
And people did speak up. Complaints reached Michigan State faculty as early as 1997. When the FBI learned of the allegations in 2015, a Justice Department investigation later found that agents failed to take proper investigative steps, leaving him free to keep abusing patients for months. Nassar will spend the rest of his life in prison, but only after survivors refused to stay quiet.
Look at what protected him: a title, a reputation, institutions that protected themselves, and adults who didn't believe the kids.
No title, credential, or reputation earns blind trust. Not a coach, not a teacher, not a doctor.
What this means for your family:
You have the right to stay in the room for your child's medical appointments, and to ask what an exam involves and why.
A good provider explains each step before it happens and welcomes your questions.
If your child says a treatment or exam felt wrong, believe them, and get a second opinion.
Changes in Your Child's Behavior That Deserve Attention
Kids don't always tell us with words. Sometimes they tell us with behavior.
These changes don't prove abuse happened. Kids react to stress for all kinds of reasons. But they do tell you your child may need support and a calm conversation.
Suddenly refusing to go to an activity they used to love.
Fear of, or unusual attachment to, one particular adult.
Unexplained gifts, money, or new possessions.
New secrecy about their phone, messages, or relationships.
Nightmares, trouble sleeping, or going back to younger behaviors like bed-wetting.
Mood changes: withdrawal, anxiety, anger, or sadness.
Sexual knowledge or behavior that doesn't fit their age.
Changes in eating, grades, or friendships.
Unexplained pain, injuries, or physical complaints.
Substance use, running away, self-harm, or other major changes.
How to Start the Conversation
Don't start with an accusation. Start with calm curiosity. If your child feels like they're in trouble, or senses you're panicking, they'll shut down.
Try something like:
"I've noticed you don't seem excited about practice lately. You're not in trouble. Is anything going on that you want to tell me?"
"Sometimes adults do things that make kids feel weird or confused. If that ever happens, you can always tell me, and I won't be mad at you."
Then stop talking and listen. You may not get an answer that day. That's okay. What matters is that your child knows the door is open, and that you're the safe place to bring it.
Trust Your Gut
You know your child better than anyone. If something has changed and you can't explain it, pay attention. Never doubt your gut feelings. They're telling you to look closer.
Coming Up in Part 3
In Part 3, we'll get practical: what safe coaches and organizations look like, the questions to ask before you enroll your child, the exact words to teach your kids, my SCAN method, and what to do if your child tells you something happened.
Sources
Michigan State Reaches $500 Million Settlement Over Nassar Abuse, NPR
Justice Department to pay $138.7 million to settle with Larry Nassar victims, CBS News
Minor Athlete Abuse Prevention Policies (MAAPP) Articles, U.S. Center for SafeSport
Disclaimer
This article is for general informational and educational purposes only. It is designed to help families recognize warning signs and start important conversations. It is not a substitute for professional advice, training, or services, including legal, medical, mental health, or law enforcement guidance. Laws and reporting requirements vary by state and change over time. Prepared Not Paranoid and Larry Betz are not responsible for the content of third-party websites or resources linked here and make no guarantee of their accuracy or completeness. Information from sex offender registries or background-check sources should never be used to harass, threaten, or intimidate anyone.
If you suspect a child is being abused, contact local law enforcement, your state's child protective services, or the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453 right away. If a child is in immediate danger, call 911.
Prepared Not Paranoid. Protecting the Most Vulnerable Among Us.
